This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
