I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
