Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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