I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
