Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
