My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
