You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's no shave November. This is our time.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
