so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
