No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
