okay pat passed out under dana's car
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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