WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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