Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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