When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
