Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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