i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
