I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
