dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
