I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
