I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
