the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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