1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
no, he came in my armpit
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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