My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
