We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Randomize
