the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize