Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
