we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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