My hand turned me down
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
