was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
