tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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