How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
