So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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