you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize