connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
