I haven't been this sober since birth.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
