3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
