tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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