There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
