My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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