Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
