Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
