Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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