Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
