What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
