whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
