and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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