PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
