I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
