Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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