woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
