I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
