i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
