If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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