he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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