she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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