pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
