Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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