I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
