Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
