We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
