last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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