Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can feel your judgement through the phone
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
